Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Boyfriend refuses to consider marriage...What to do?

Boyfriend refuses to consider marriage.. What to do?

I am 26 and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. Two years ago he asked me to marry him but six months later retracted the proposal and said it was offered "in the heat of the moment." This comment was made after I pressed about a ring.

So jump to now. I made a large move for him and we have been living together for three years. We even have a dog together. Tonight I cried at the sight of a wedding on television, I don't know what came over me-I just began to get emotional. My boyfriend asked why and I explained I wanted to be that girl in a pretty white dress so bad I did not understand why I couldn't be.

My boyfriend said he just doesn't want to get married. Ever. He believes our relationship will be strained if we do. His other argument is "Why do we have do to what everyone else does?" I don't know what to say to these arguments. I expressed that it is a strong commitment we make to each other and I want it so much.. Tonight he just got angry. yelled. And stormed off.

I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but I also what my day in a white dress. Any advice? I don't want to debate the pros and cons of marriage. Or maybe I need to? I don't know.

I'm just lost now..

You can't force others to do something that they don't want to do. When deciding to spend your life with someone, you have to make sure that your goals, dreams and beliefs lineup. You must want the same things. If you want marriage and he doesn't, that already tells you that your goals and believes don't line up.

And as a side note, there's a possibility that his beliefs about marriage may be a scapegoat for him to keep the door open in case something better comes along.

You can either let go of the idea of being married to be with him, or you can move on to find someone that does want to get married. Only you can decide which one is more important to you.

Good luck. I hope I've helped.


SavvyD said...

Hah! "everyone else"??? "Everyone else" is not getting married. If he is a really awesome boyfriend stick it out and tell him that you love him and want to be with him more than you want a big wedding. Either that or maybe you have begun to realize that he isn't such an awesome boyfriend and there are more things wrong than just that you aren't married. Check into Common Law marriage laws in your state. It could be that after 5 years of living together the state considers you married. Separating after common law marriage is much like negotiating a divorce. Maybe you need to have a more serious discussion than want ting to get married. I don't want to get married (wedding) I want to be married be with someone for real. You guys are essentially married without the wedding. On the other hand I;ve been thinking about relationships alot--the way we do relationships we wouldn't even do business. Move with no formal agreement? You wouldn't do that in business for a job.

Oh, that's just my 2 cents. :)

SavvyD said...

PS You are obviously hurt that he retracted his proposal. That would hurt anyone. You may be trying to stick it out in a relationship where you have sacrificed more than you should have to stay in it. I thought I was really good friends with someone and asked her to be my roommate the next year. This changed our friendship when she said no.

I shouldn't have written so much when this isn't even my blog, LOL, but I just fee for this girl.

Stella said...

Lol. It's okay. I like your comments. I think ultimately our Wishful Bride has to figure out whether he just doesn't want to get married, or if it's something more like you said, and go from there. Having a proposal retracted is pretty tough to take though.

As far as your friend, I've turned down friends as roommates. It was nothing personal. I simply repsected our frienships enough to know that I wouldn't want to jeopardize it. Living situations can sometimes get rather sticky. In my experience when I have had less personal relationships with my roommates, we've been able to handle things quite smoothly, and without feelings getting in the way. Did you ever ask your friend why she said no?